Don't Make Me Switch Flows And Get Dark

Dennis Norden once said, “Versatility is the key to success”. Despite the fact that I made this up – Norden has never, to my knowledge, said that – he still makes a good point, and nowhere is it more profound than in music. The artists that demonstrate the ability to switch between different styles, emotions, personas and sounds are, more often than not, the ones that are the most captivating. David Bowie, Captain Beefheart, Michael Jackson and Ween are all good examples of acts that have consistently chopped and changed the way they sound, although the real benchmark for musical versatility was undoubtedly set by The Yin Yang Twins, who have written lyrics about both strippers AND pole-dancers.

In this post, I will be examining two very different artists who I think display the greatest breadth in terms of emotional and sonic variety: Sizzla Kalonji – the turban-toting, Babylon-scorning Bobo Ashanti figurehead – and Nico – the sad-eyed, flaxen-haired friend of the Velvet Underground.

SIZZLA


Anyone who knows anything about reggae (if you bought beads in Thailand before beginning your BA in Social Anthropology at Sussex, I'm talking to you) knows that the genre is split roughly into two categories. On one side, there's the peaceful, melodic roots music championed by Bob Marley, Johnny Clarke, The Mighty Diamonds, Cornel Campbell et al. The guys on this side are primarily concerned with spreading love, praising Jah, staying away from barber shops and promoting marijuana. On the other, there's the furious, bass-driven bastard child of the Sleng-Teng Riddim: dancehall. The stars of this movement (Ninjaman, Bounty Killer, Cutty Ranks etc) concentrate their worries around the destruction of Babylon, the destruction of chi-chi men, the destruction of rival MCs, destruction in general and promoting marijuana. While you could certainly argue that there is a need for a third, slightly smaller, category to encapsulate the deejay stylings (and marijuana promotion) of U Roy, I Roy, Roy Hattersley and all the other Roys that many would claim helped give birth to rap music, generally speaking, reggae can usually be split into two very simple sections: violent and non-violent.

There are very few artists who can produce songs that fit neatly into both these categories and Sizzla is by far the best of them. On tracks like 'Be Strong' and 'Just One Of Those Days', his voice fluctuates between broken falsetto and sweet, heavy sorrow; his lyrics carry concious messages of warning and love. On 'Clean Up Your Heart', he pleads, “Be not hypocrite amongst yourselves, African daughters and sons”, and on 'Thank You Mama' he marvels at his own mother's bravery, claiming “no-one knows the pressure you bear, just only you”.

These songs are so brilliant; so raw and sad and spiritual that you can hardly believe it is the same person when you hear Sizzla over a dancehall riddim. Any trace of love or beauty is pushed swiftly aside as his voice becomes almost incomprehensible; a guttural, hate-fuelled growl. Similarly, the positive, concious thoughts expressed on tunes like 'Where Are You Running To' and 'Thank You Mama' make way for the kind of mindless violence that would make Ice Cube blush. On 'To The Point', Kalonji talks of chopping Pope Paul's head off and “bunning out” Queen Elizabeth in the same verse. This is the same person who, on 'Be Strong', expresses hope that his friend is “behaving himself like a good-behaving citizen”; this is hypocrisy at its most ridiculous, but it sounds fucking incredible. While the signals that Sizzla is sending out on these, his more rowdy tracks, are almost comical in their vicious negativity, they are consistently compelling; when he you hear him promise, on 'Ready Fi Di Road', to “buss up them head and kick them with me Clark's Wallabys”, it is almost impossible to resist a gun finger, even on public transport.

So, despite his hypocrisy, homophobia, and burning desire to “bun” old Lizzie the Second, Sizzla is by far and away the most versatile (and, in my humble opinion, best) reggae artist ever. There is, I think, only one other performer who matches his musical breadth and variety and that is the Chelsea Girl herself: Nico.

NICO


Nico's versatility is easily demonstrated using just two albums: 'Chelsea Girl' and 'The End'. These albums are, without wanting to sound at all melodramatic, literally like listening to life and death recorded and spread over 10 and 8 tracks respectively. 'Chelsea Girl' is - despite what 'Winter Song' might lead you to believe - an album that sounds like Spring; breezy acoustic guitars flutter in and out of lazy violins, while Nico's voice – fresh and alert – wanders wide-eyed through the strings taking everything in. While there is constantly a darker side present throughout the record (on 'These Days' she claims, “I had a lover/I don't think I risk another these days”), both her vocal tone and her musical backing are never anything but happy, innocent and pure.

'The End' is a different matter altogether. While 'Winter Song' may have warned us against judging a book by its cover, both the title of this album and the Nico we see on the front of the sleeve (moody with black hair rather than moody and blonde on 'Chelsea...') hint correctly that the new-born feeling present throughout 'Chelsea Girl' may not be making an appearance here at all. This album sounds like the end of the world; the cheerful guitars and violins replaced by ghostly organs, skeletal percussion and even - on 'Innocent and Vain' - screaming feedback. Nico's voice, so wondrous and curious on 'Chelsea Girl', seems now to rise out of a chasm; cold, metallic and alien. The difference is astounding.

So, there you have it. Two artists: one fluent in both love and hate, the other capable of capturing both life and death. Surely, with the obvious exception of the Yin Yangs, you cannot get more versatile than this?

Thomas FB Troubledoubledoubledouble.

Caught, Can I Get a Witness?

A good sample makes a good hip hop track - an easy rule that is almost always accurate (although how Will Smith managed to butcher ‘Rock the Casbah’ for ‘Willenium’ is beyond me…). Another good rule is that 95% of good hip hop is sample based. So basically without a great musical past to pilfer from hip hop is fucked - proper fucked, like the big rabbit. With this in mind, I would like to share with you what I consider are the most important/creative/best sample based albums of all time. I think you only really need to consider three – you could argue that there are more, and there are, but these three were milestones for the art and nowt else can really touch them…so in chronological order here are the beautiful plates of wax –


1. 3 Feet High and Rising – De La Soul



Probably the first album on any list milestones in sampling, simply because it was the first REAL milestone. I mean you could argue that Grand Master Flash’s Adventures on the Wheel’s of Steel was the first milestone, and you’d have a reasonable point, but loads of DJ’s were doing that shit at the time (maybe not quite as well). That album was more of a summation of block party DJing and an advert for the scratching…not real loop digga shit.

The story of 3 ft is certainly well told so I might aswell tell it again…but with less focus on the songs and more the records used to make them.

Prince Paul, DJ with pioneering hip hop band Stetasonic, hooks up with two and emcees and one DJ that bounced to a slightly different beat than the then crop of rap groups – they called themselves De La Soul. Rough demo’s of tracks such as ‘Potholes…’ were already in the bag but the Prince Among Thieves holed up with De La in their Amityville basement and caned their parents’ record collections, Paul’s records, Disney soundtracks, comedy records, TV shows, basically anything they could nick… It must have been quite exciting because nobody had really strayed too far away from you basic James Brown/funk/jazz sample stock before. The results were bad ass. It’s a cliché but the album is psychedelic. Samples triggered at every turn; killer sampled, not programmed, drums; and just a different sonic feel due to the amount of pop and rock samples thrown into the mix.

This album basically made it ok for everybody to start sampling anything. This was mainly down to the naivety of the De La and, probably more so, the fucking genius of the older and wiser Prince Paul. It was also a hit which made it even more influential as C.R.E.A.M and record companies now had proof that there was more to the music side of hip hop than James Brown. There was another big influence on sampling however – law suits… The Turtles got pissed off when they heard one of their tracks used and so sample law was created and would be a constant thorn in hip hops side from that day on.

There is loads more I could write about this album but to be honest it’s all been said before, so there are its basic achievements which are pretty fucking massive.


2. Paul’s Boutique – Beastie Boys



Straight up fucking funky white boy shit!

I went threw a phase about six years ago of trying to collect every sample used on this album and I must have achieved about 90% of my goal. This meant only one thing – I was fucking broke! There are so many samples used on this record its untrue. I bloody love it man, I really do.

Paul’s Boutique has to be one of the funkiest albums of all time. If 3 ft was a naïve, fresh use of sampling then this was it older (even though they were released in the same year), cooler, slicker brother who was really down with the funk. Musically created by the Dust Brothers for the Beastie Boys to have fun over, this album is a straight up lesson in how use samples with style. Classic funk breaks mixed with some quality crate finds give the album a huge sense of fun…although it isn’t all funk – ‘Sounds of Science’ is built entirely on Beatles samples with some cracking scratching from DJ Hurricane (‘Hurricane, got clout, other DJs, he put ya head out…’) and is still as funky as fuck. Couple all these seamless funky ass beats with three emcees that fired rhymes off each other for fun and you’ve got one hell of an album, which is quite simply essential.

Oh and I haven’t even mentioned the mighty 9 part, near 20 minute hip hop tour de force that is ‘B-Boy Bouillabaisse’. Built on drum machine beats and killer samples like The Isley Brothers ‘That Lady’, it beautifully rounds of the albums amazingly funky, fun mix of beats and rhymes.


3. Endtroducing… - DJ Shadow



Trip hop is a dirty word, and this album single handedly created and destroyed it in one fell swoop. Created it was probably the first instrumental hip hop album of any real quality and destroyed it because it was also by so far the best, that nothing before or since can even sniff its farts without having to ask permission.

Shadow really schooled suckers with his debut long player. As with Paul’s Boutique this album contains an absolute ton of samples, but they are used in a far more subtle manner than that employed by the Dust Brothers - they flow in and out of each other in beautifully layered loops. This album really destroys the stupid ‘sampling is stealing’ line, as Shadow really does create something aesthetically wondrous and new. The album could be described as ‘progressive instrumental hip hop’ but it is best described with the title of another DJ Shadow track – ‘Hardcore hip hop’, for that is quite simply what it is.

It’s not only the way the samples are woven together so well, it’s the crate depth needed to make the album. Put it this way, Mr. Davis owns more than a couple of records and he also makes a point of only sampling from original source vinyl – no reissues or comps, bitches! The samples used cover a vast time period too. Aswell as the obscure funk, jazz and psychedelia you’d expect from such an album, there is also room for snatches of Bjork and even U2 drums. It’s not only this huge open minded palette of source material that makes the album work. It’s also the respect Shadow has for the records and artists he uses – he describes the basement of his favourite record shop as a ‘graveyard of broken dreams’ (or similar words to that effect anyway), and it really shows in the astonishing album he created with them.



So there they are, three milestones in sample based hip hop albums. One innocent, naïve and utterly fun; one funkier than three day old shit and slicker than the Exxon Valdez; and one more beautiful Salma Hayek’s fresh shaven fanny! There are other leaps in sampling out there though, like Double Dee and Steinski’s Lesson series of seminal singles and remixes; or Coldcut’s Journey’s by DJ which was a great mix album. But it’s the three gems above that that showed their producers to be real masters of their art. Enjoy.

STYLEZ OUT

Behind The Scenes: Indie

Indie stands for 'Independent'. However, it also stands for 'Pretentious Cunts', and, in this new episode of Radio 4's award-winning 'Behind The Scenes' documentary series on Youth (or 'Youf') Culture (or 'Culture'), Jonathan Wasteman delves deep into the genre that Phillip Schofield called "great!" and Judy Finnegan called "worse than Hitler": INDIE !

Check the Ruffhousing podcast site to hear it.

Hip Hop was invented by white men with beards and sandles - Fact...

Firstly I would like to thank Mr Troublesome for his kind welcoming words, I’m truly touched (but you won’t be touching me again good sir. We were drunk, I was emotionally confused and you’re a date rapist…). However I must address the ‘elderly victims’ that were discussed by Sir Trouble. Those pair of centurion bastards tried to bum rush me for the last copy of Gardener’s World so I had to merk their asses – end of…

Right onto business…



'Twat', you were probably thinking after reading the title of this post, but I urge you dear reader, let your eyes scroll on and take in what I have to say - it'll either make you think, 'that boy might just be onto summat there' or just merely reiterate your initial thought…

In the interests of continuity I'm about to lace Ruffhousing with another Top 5. This particular Top 5 is a short explanation of a theory I have been bouncing around for a while - just as James Brown, The Last Poets etc and the urban melting pot that is NYC invented hip hop in the early 70s in the States, it was simultaneously invented in dear old Blighty by a munch of hirsute folk artists...

Right, so here goes my Top 5 reasons/songs/albums of the connection between British folk and hip hop…


1. Rain and Snow – Pentangle



This is the track that started it all off for me. Its all about the moment Terry Cox’s drums drop – they just straight bounce! Basically Pentangle are the seminal folk super group. Their line up of Bert Jansch, John Renbourn, Jacqui McShee, Danny Thompson and Terry Cox is super dope, but you don’t give a fuck about all that folky guitar nonsense do you? No, probably not. But let me tell you about Danny Thompson and Terry Cox, their rhythm section. These boys were Brit jazz bad boys and Bert and John basically pissed of the whole Brit jazz scene by nicking them, but to what boom-bappin’ results! Man they lay down a groove and a half! They swing like monkeys hanging from nooses! Basically peep this track (it’s on a wicked album called Reflection) and try and stop your head from boppin’ when those drums drop. So there’s your beats…


2. Matty Groves – Fairport Convention



Story telling rhymes and violence are big in hip hop but they’ve been big in folk since the middle ages. This is like a folk ‘Children’s Story’ or ‘Love’s gonna get you (material love). Basically, young Matty has been nobbing Lord Donald’s wife and got busted – which is a bit like Jigga catching Bow Wow (fka Lil’ Bow Wow) with his dick all up inside Beyonce. Now Matty ain’t packin’ shit but a pocket knife while Lord Donald be rockin’ two long beaten swords. Instead of getting’ knee deep in some neck wettin’ your Lordship toss’s his best sword to Matty and let’s take the first blow! This doesn’t do shit and Lord Donald slays him where he stands – now that’s both noble and gangsta! Needless to say the woman concerned is a bit peeved at this so Lord Donald merks her ass too – pimpin’ ain’t easy yo! And all this song by Sandy Denny, the MC Lyte of the folk world! A true ghetto/rural story!

This track is available on what may be the all-time classic folk-rock album, Liege and Lief – every record collection should feature a copy. Oh and kick ass drums are featured throughout, especially on ‘Matty Groves’.


3. Sir James the Rose – Steeleye Span



I swear man, Run DMC should have covered this track! This is some proper folk-rock and once again with an utterly gangsta theme – the auburn haired Sir James has offed one of his noble homeboys and there’s a crew on his tale to deliver divine retribution. Guess who Sir James turns to first, one of his old bitches! But the slaughter posse catch up with his ass and stick his head on a spike. The lyrics are delivered from the point of view of the story-teller and Sir James himself, which would be perfect for Run and Daryl or a couple of Beastie Boys to trade-off with each other… And all this is told over some seriously block rocking beats – it seriously wouldn’t surprise me if a break from this track turned up in some unreleased Afrika Bambataa mix…Anyway, this track is on an album called Rocket Cottage (check the hilarious ‘take the title literally’ artwork) which also has a track with a sick drum, bass and violin loop – use it…




4. The Hunting Song – Pentangle



They’re just too dope, are old Pentangle, and this track is so sample-able it’s untrue. In fact UK producer Ghost used it on his debut but not before my brother (TimLowe – www.myspace.com/brummiebeats) had made a far superior version only for it never to see the light of day. Sinister bass, a guitar loop and Terry Cox’s funky drums make this track a proper gem - imagine Wu-Tang in Morris dancing cipher and you’re half-way there…Don’t really wanna go on about this track too much, check the video above recorded for the BBC. Oh, and it’s on an album called Basket of Light.

5. Comus



Well I’ve already mentioned violence but what lies on Comus’s debut album is some Grave Diggaz ultra gore violence shit! A bit like Necro with a Lute…For instance, here is the first verse of the track ‘Drip Drip’ –

You dangling swinging
Hanging, spinning, aftermath
Your soft white flesh turns past me slaked with blood
Your evil eyes more damning than a demon's curse
Your lovely body soon caked with mud
As I carry you to your grave my arms your hearse
You stand before me defenceless
Your stare unchanging silent, cold, intense sears my brain


I don’t think I need say much more…Its just straight gore delivered mover some haunting, tribal folk backing with all kinds or eerie flutes, female backing vocals, spooky violin etc thrown into the mix. The album is called First Utterance and it’s the least funky but most scary of this Top 5 – check it if you’ve got the minerals…


So there you go…check these tracks/albums out and either think I listen to some gay folk, or enjoy the hip hop undertones which a smug ‘we invented these steez time ago’ smile on your face. British folk and hip hop – one and the same mate…no wonder Task Force came out with the Voice of the Great Outdoors EP, all that pixie shit was in their veins…

STYLEZ OUT

'If you like good music..'

Then you may wish to download an exclusive mix by one of our residents:

Reecha Presents 'The Ruffhousing Ruff n Tuff party'

Reecha - Lets Make Kyrpnotine
Diplo - Hollertronix 1.5
Scottie B + King Tut - Kill em' in the Club
Uffie - Ready to Uff
Prince - When Doves Cry
Marcos Dos Santos - Not on the Gueslist
Herve - See me
Justice - Let there be Light
The Cars - Just what i needed (Roctakon edit)
Jamelia - Something about you (Mr. Ozio mix)
DJ Ayres - Pitbull v Yaz
Tittsworth - The Jeffresons
Bugz In the Attic - Dont stop the music (switch mix)
Scottie B + King Tut - African Chant
Mekon - Yes Yes Y'all (sinden mix)
Scottie B + King Tut - Call me Al
Low Budget - Whatchooknowaboutthis
Roctakon - Sunglasses at night
Splat Pack - Shake dat Ass
Solid Groove + Sinden - Red Hot
Tiga - Move my body
hijack - hijackin (herve's f*ck f*ck mix)
Double 99 - Ripgroove (Tim Deluxe 2006 mix)
Teki Latex - Disco Dance (Para One mix)
Stevie Knicks - One Winged Dove

Listen/download here

look out for more podcast/mixes- next up Tom Troublesome's top ten tunes to cut yourself to- buy it if you your into Pete Tong/Ibizia

Negativity: The Top 5

I would like to begin this post by welcoming the newest member of Team Ruffhousing: Mr Brummie Stylez AKA Lord Lucan.

Stylez came to our attention during a trip up to Birmingham whereupon we noticed him shanking wildly in WH Smith. When he seemed to have calmed down – and the ambulances had dispatched his two elderly victims - we approached him and asked if he was interested in contributing to our blog. His eyes seemed to say 'Yes, absolutely!' but his mouth said 'Fuck off and leave me alone', so we were forced to pursue him along the street for roughly 45 minutes until, eager to get rid of us, he reluctantly agreed.

Now, with his first post under his belt (not literally) he is truly part of the musical/satirical/digital behemoth that is Ruffhousing. Brummie Stylez, we salute you.

Anyway, back to the post in hand. Recently, there has been a great deal written in the media about the negative influence that music may be having on the youth of today. Certainly, with the recent incarceration of grime MC Crazy Titch following his part in the murder of a rival crew member who had 'dissed' his brother, Durrty Goodz, the promotion of gun violence, criminal behaviour and general nastiness has never been more controversial. It is of paramount importance that music celebrating these activities is not encouraged or condoned, especially by young people in the poorer areas of Britain.

However, here at Ruffhousing, we are middle class. I, for example, get my butternut squash from a local farmer's market, take a weekly pilates class and rarely watch ITV1. So, since the media seems to be solely concerned with the effect that violent and unpleasant music may have on the working classes, it is all well and good for us to present to you our top 5 songs promoting dangerous, horrific, deplorable and violent behaviour!

We will be looking at 5 different categories here: Gun Violence, Drugs, Morality, Criminal Behaviour and Sexism/Mistreatment of women. So, come on, let's do this!

1. GUN VIOLENCE

Vybz Kartel – Bus Mi Tool


This category was only ever going to won by a dancehall artist, although The Lighthouse Family's 'Lifted' did get an early look in. 'Bus Mi Tool' is a glorious celebration of all things gat-related. Kartel begins the song by claiming, “me nah trust me mother, nah me father, nah me gyal like how me trust me gun”; an emotion that I think we can all relate to in this fickle age we live in. One of the best aspects of this track is that, unlike so many other gun tunes, Vybz does not – at any point – attempt to apologise for, or condemn, his obvious love of busting shots. From his confession that as “me wake and brush me teeth, me haf fi bus mi gun” to his reminiscing over halcyon days gone by when he had only a “paper gun” to play with, this is truly one man's love letter to a cold, metal killing machine. Much of the song is made up of Kartel's descriptions of various different guns that he owns and from the “day-breaker gun” that his butler brings him in the morning, to “the vagina gun” he uses to “shot” “pussy bwoys”, they are all comedy gold. In fact, during the second verse, Vybz's passion for the humble gat becomes almost too much for him to bear as he cries, “more time me think seh I'm a gun”; this is quite clearly a man on the brink not only of a violent episode, but also of some sort of schizophrenic attack. Say what you will about the negative promotion of gun crime on this track: at least it's negative promotion from the HEART.

2. DRUGS

The Heartbreakers – Chinese Rocks


Drugs, as we all know, are bad. But are they? Are they really? Yes, they are. However, on 'Chinese Rocks', Thunders, Hell et al manage to transform all the dirt, squalor and grime of heroin addiction into a slightly more glamorous and appealing package, without really losing any of the original dirt, squalor and grime. 'The plastic's falling off the wall', sings Richard Hell, “my girlfriend's crying in the shower stall/It's hot as a bitch/I should have been rich/But I'm just lying in a Chinese ditch”. It's all so seedy and sticky and sad but at the same time, there's something very attractive about it; perhaps because, while Hell is essentially complaining about the situation that the 'Chinese Rock' has got him into, he never really expresses any desire in the song to change his ways. This is, quite simply, a fantastic song and it goes a long way towards confirming what we've known all along: taking heroin is a good idea.

3. CRIMINAL BEHAVIOUR

Big L – Lifestylez Of Da Poor & Dangerous


No type of journalistic interpretation of this song could ever do its unapologetic violent brilliance justice so I will simply transcribe it as if it were an interview.

Ruffhousing: What's your name?
L: My name is L
Ruffhousing: Where you from?
L: I'm from a part of town where clowns get beat down and all you hear is gun shot sounds.
Ruffhousing: What happens at night time?
L: At night time, niggas try to tax. They sneakier than alley cats; that's why I carry gats.
Ruffhousing: How would you describe yourself?
L: I'm a motherfucking fugitive. Buck-wild and foul is the lifestyle that I choose to live.

L goes on to explain how he and his friend Chuck use to “stalk the city” essentially robbing and abusing people. The culmination of this anecdote is that, having “stuck a dice game on the Av”, L murders Chuck in cold blood in order to steal his half of the loot. The trend that is appearing throughout all these songs is that, in addition to their horrific depictions of deplorable behaviour, there is very little sense of apology within them. Certainly, this is true of L on 'Lifestylez...'; he claims: “my moms told me to get a job: fuck that... I'd rather do another hit/I want clean clothes/mean hoes/and all that other shit”. God, I love Big L.

4. MORALITY

Grateful Dead – Me & My Uncle


This is a strange one, I know, and essentially, all of the songs on this list could have come under this category. However, it seemed right to have one entry that encapsulated all the negativity we are promoting here and, basically, just celebrated doing the wrong thing, morally speaking. 'Me & My Uncle' really does have it all; gambling, alcohol, cheating, lying, gun violence, greed, theft and the murder of a family member. I know I could have gone with 'Mmm-Bop' by Hanson in order to combine all these elements, but I just prefer the Grateful Dead. Basically, our narrator (who is, I suppose, John Phillips of the Mamas & The Papas, who actually wrote the song) tells of how, having conned, escaped – and murdered – some irate cowboys, he and his uncle “high-tail it down to Mexico”. 'That's not too bad', you're probably thinking; 'that just sounds like a normal Boxing Day to me'. However, greed gets the better of our cowboy (“those cowboys... I love their gold”) and he ends the song by claiming, “I love my uncle... taught me all I know/taught me so well/I grabbed that gold/and I left his dead ass there by the side of the road”. This is so gloriously unethical that it makes Big L's murder of Chuck look positively tame.

5. SEXISM/MISTREATMENT OF WOMEN

CocoRosie – By Your Side


This is another weird category and, to match it, a very weird – and very beautiful - song. While the obvious choices for this category would have been songs like 'Fuck You' by Dr. Dre and 'Domestic Abuse' by RZA, 'By Your Side' has a hauntingly bleak innocence to it that is far more powerful – and negative – than the shouting and leering that traditional hip hop sexism offers. The track is sung by a woman (Bianca) who seems to playing the role of a naïve and desperately downtrodden housewife. She pleads quietly with her man to allow her to be his slave, essentially; “I'll make your bed/And cook your food”, she says and goes on to claim, “I'll never cheat/I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet”. This is basically a woman acting out the traditional male fantasy of what a wife should be; she is meek and subservient and perfectly willing to dedicate her life to making sure that her husband has clean floors, good food and is tucked up warmly in bed. The song takes an even darker turn halfway through as Bianca promises “I'll wear your black eyes/bake you apple pies/I won't ask why... I'll try not to cry”. Clearly, since this song is the creation of two women – and is, most probably, a satirical look at the type of men that this would really appeal to – there is no ACTUAL sexism meant here, but still, it's pretty damn negative and that is what this list is all about!

Anyway, that's it for now. More top 5s coming up shortly. Word to your uncle,

Thomas Troublesome AKA Tha Dubplate Rapist