The Importance of Being John

“I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude.” (Gwendolen, Act One: 'The Importance of Being Earnest' by Oscar Wilde)

Oscar Wilde knew a great deal about a great many things, and his wit and wisdom can be found in nearly every form of literary prose: novels, plays, those little books of humourous quotes you pick up in the queue at Waterstone's, then you put down again because you think 'I'll never actually read this', but then you end up buying in the end because you've already spent quite a lot and you think 'well, £1.99 more isn't going to kill me, and even if I don't read it, it'll make a good stocker filler for a nephew or the child of a distant friend'. My point is that, while there may have been very little that Oscar didn't know, his views on the name 'John' – as expressed through the character Gwendolen in this quote from 'The Importance of Being Earnest', above – could not be more misguided.

The name John (and its many variations – Jon, Jonathan, Johnny, Neil) carries with it a musical legacy that goes beyond the obvious candidates (John Lennon, Jon Bon Jovi, Johnny Cash, Neil Morrissey) and includes some of the most underrated artists and musicians ever known.


MOZART

The year 1756 saw the first recorded intertwining of great music and the name John with the birth of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, originally christened Johnk Amadeus Mozart (as is common in all Austrian names, the 'K' is silent). Mozart's parents, Kakkka and Ekkkkek, decided shortly after young Johnk's first musical composition (aged just 3) that his name “wasn't punchy enough” to get noticed in the burgeoning Viennese scene, and had him re-christened at age 4 under the name 'Wolfgang'.

This event had deep-seated psychological effects upon the composer and right up until his death in 1791, Mozart was still unable to look anyone called John directly in the eye, unless they were female.


JONATHAN RICHMAN

From these shameful origins, the name John has gone on to belong to some of the finest musicians of the previous century and they have all publically acknowledged their debt and gratitude. Jonathan Richman has been quoted in various interviews as saying that he owes his talent solely to his first name, and – at a concert in 1970 - Creedence Clearwater Revival's John Fogerty famously ordered anyone not called John to leave the arena immediately and drown themselves in the nearest well.


JOHN HOLT

However, despite the glory attached to it, the name has a shady past. In the mid-seventies – at the peak of roots reggae's success – the name John provoked dark and terrible events within the genre so famous for promoting peace and love. On the evening of March 16th, 1976, Johnny Clarke, Johnny Osbourne and Johnny Moore (three of reggae's most prominent Johnnys) kidnapped rising roots star John Holt outside his Kingston home. For three days and three nights, Holt was held against his will by the three men, who – driven insane with resentment at the simplicity of his classic version of the sacred title – threatened to commit acts upon his body unless he joined them in adding an 'ny' to the end of his first name. By the fourth day, Holt – bruised, starving and missing a kidney – surrendered to his captors' wishes and became 'Johnny'. He continued to record and release material but his record sales were badly affected as consumers found the name change 'too complicated', and within 6 months, he was dropped from his label.

While the 'ny' suffix didn't work for Holt (he turned to drink and was found dead in a bar in 1981 after a fist fight with a hen), it has been commercially viable for many other musical Johnnys; Cash, Rotten, Thunders, Marr to name but a few.

So, there you have it: while Oscar Wilde would have us believe that the name 'John' has “very little music to it at all”, the list of classic artists bearing the name proves him very, very wrong.

Some notable musical Johns:

John Coltrane, Johnny Clarke, Jonathan Richman, Johnny Cash, John Frusciante, Johnny Thunders, John Hartford, John French (drummer of Captain Beefheart's Magic Band), Johnny Osbourne, John Holt, John Lee Hooker, John Lennon, John Mayall, John Fogerty, Johnny Marr, Johnny Moore, Johnny Mathis, John Cale.