So, like a man visiting a particularly punctual whore, 2007 went almost as soon as it came.
Unlike this fictional philanderer, however, the year also brought with it a slew of music biopics that consistently peppered our nation’s big screens. Control, Dreamgirls and I’m Not There (in which 6 different actors play out 6 different stages of Bob Dylan’s career) all had true-life musical stories at their respective cores, and, in recent years we’ve also seen Joaquin Phoenix aping Johnny Cash in Walk The Line and Jamie Foxx stumbling and mumbling his way to Oscar glory as Ray.
However, as the above list proves, it seems that film studios are afraid to gamble on anything other than the biggest musical names and the most interesting musical stories. So, with this in mind, Ruffhousing presents to you the musical biopics that should have been. And, technically, still could be.
RUNNING THE ROAD
BAFTA-winning softie, Richard Curtis, transfers his trademark dewy-eyed, moist-trousered writing style to the tumultuous etymology of the East London grime scene in this light-hearted urban rom-com. Dizzee (played by John Simm) is a streetwise youngster who dreams of fame and fortune as a superstar rapper. However, following a violent bust-up with his relentlessly po-faced mentor and friend, Wiley (Bill Nighy), Dizzee begins to question whether he has the strength to make it to the top on his own, and win over the girl of his dreams in the process. Co-starring Kristin Scott Thomas as Lady Sovereign and Clive Owen as Tinchy Stryder.
THE TOXIC TWINS
Ant and Dec star in this ill-advised children's feature depicting the Bacchanalian substance abuse and furious sexual exploits of Aerosmith rockers, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, in appallingly graphic detail.
ISN'T IT IRONIC?
Off-beat romantic comedy in which Alanis “Why The Long Face?” Morissette (played here by Janine Garofalo) spends an hour and a half wandering around continually pointing out things that are ironic, until, finally, she is beaten unconscious by a man who has just had his wedding day rained off.
CHECKIN’ IT OUT
Based largely (to the point of copyright infringement) on the Bob Dylan film, I’m Not There, Checkin’ It Out features 6 different British actors leading viewers through 6 different periods in the long and varied career of punk-pop midget, Lil’ Chris. Simon Callow and Colin Firth both shine as the foetus and toddler Chris respectively, but the most memorable turn by far comes courtesy of Helen Mirren, who brings Chris' turbulent puberty period to life with the help of a New Era hat and some truly grotesque prosthetics.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAREER?
Heart-pummelling rap/rock weep-a-thon starring Tony Slattery as ex-Limp Bizkit frontman and tubby Nu-Metal poster-boy, Fred Durst. The first twenty-five minutes of this feature are a thoroughly cheerful affair, featuring scenes involving Grammy Awards Ceremonies, playful camaraderie with DMX (Phil Jupitus) and casual sex with Britney Spears (Leslie Ash). However, viewers with young children should be warned that the later stages of the film - in which Durst's sudden realisation that his career is essentially over sends him spiralling downwards into a black pit of empty despair - contain scenes of explicit violence, incessant swearing and – finally - angry, bitter sobbing.
TOTALLY WIRED
Disney Pixar present a CGI animated romp through the hilarious and chaotic life of that lovable Mancunian sourpuss, Mark E Smith. Smith (voiced here by Kelsey Grammer) is a struggling young revolutionary trying to make his voice heard among the grit and squalor of the late 70s industrial North. However, a chance meeting with an amusingly highly-strung robot called 'Crackles', who is on his way to get his frazzled wiring fixed, leads him on a riotous – and heart-warming – journey of self-discovery. NB. Pixar have not stayed entirely true to Smith’s actual life story here.
THE DRUMMER FROM KEANE
Horrifically uneventful biopic based loosely on the life of the drummer from Keane.
JAMMIN'
Big budget, Hollywood-friendly re-telling of the life of reggae ambassador, Bob Marley. In order to appeal to the widest possible American audience, the Jamaican patois which Marley spoke has been altogether eliminated, the singer's passion for marijuana has been replaced by a love of very hot curries, and Bob himself is to be played by David Schwimmer; a white man with a sensible haircut.
GOLDIELOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS
Less biopic and more 'snuff' film, Goldielocks and the 3 Bears follows the real life kidnapping of pointless electro-bint, Goldielocks, as she is dragged screaming from her family home in the dead of night, marched blindly into a damp cavern and left to fend for herself in the company of three hunger-ravaged Canadian brown bears, whom her captors adamantly refuse to call off until she has signed a legally binding agreement promising never EVER to go near a microphone again.
HEY NIKKI!
Overtly camp and fantastically upbeat musical starring Martin Clunes and Nicholas Lyndhurst as the all-singing, all-dancing, South London grime lotharios, Nikki S and Nyke. Having met at a local Scouts group, the boys decide that music is the path for them, and consequently embark on a high-kicking cabaret of love, laughter and line-dancing, until, ultimately – via a series of humourous misunderstandings – they wind up in bed together. NB. Neither Nikki S nor Nyke have officially given their consent to this project.
Troublesome
