Channel Ruffhousing

Since the departure of Ruffhousing’s ‘Channel U Classics’ the 3barfire head office has been bombarded with letters of complaint, death threats and the odd suicide note – proving once and for all that a regular intake of ruffhousing is as an important part of your weekly routine as a trip to the supermarket or a aggressive, tearful wank.

With that in mind we bring you Ruffhousing TV – many of you will sneer and suggest that we merely have run out of videos to post up from channel U, many of you will be right.


Genius Cru – Course Bruv

This next video comes from before the conception of everyone’s favorite cultural experiment, but if there ever was a video that set the trend for 99% of the shit that is seen on channel U today then this is surely it. Just imagine! Without these videos you may never heard of the genius of Junior Spesh, the lyrical ferocity of Flirta D or the albino rodent ramblings of L.Man.


The video features social etiquette specialists Genius Cru – who, in a tumultuous period in the late 90s when people where bewildered and confused as to how to approach a colleague to request a small sip of their beverage, solved this conundrum with not only a musical hit – but a social phenomenon.



Not content with the simple club setting of their previous smash hit ‘Boom Selection’, the Cru uped the ante with a thrilling backdrop of international espionage and high stakes gambling - this video is everything Casino Royale wanted to be – I’m fairly sure there all working as IT consultants now.


Bob Marley

This week it’s been announced that production is beginning on a big Hollywood bio-pic of marijuana smoking, wife beating, gay hating, reggae legend Bob Marley. Its sure to be a feel good hit, missing out these inconvenient aspects of Bob’s life, and most likely ending up resembling a Lilt advert. Anyone who’s been on a gap year or is contemplating one should pre-order the DVD from their local independent retailer (not HMV, they rape Tibetan children and pay them in buttons).



Apparently Lauren Hill is in the running to play Bob Marley’s wife – there’s no real front runners as to who’ll play the man himself but my money is firmly on Martin Short. It’s been lengthy absence for the Father of The Bride (1+2!) star and this may just be the project to lure him out of the cinematic wilderness. Fingers crossed.


Devliman

One of the miracles of the modern age is our increasing level of social acceptance. In the 1500s, if a man from the midlands with a penchant for hunting hats and the voice of a Chinese robot began publicly spouting obscene jibberish about poisoned foodstuffs, he would have been roundly thrashed and flame-grilled as a demon-smuggling nutbox.

Here in the twenty-first century, however, the openly mad are actively celebrated and even - in some cases - given access to recording studios in which to vent their twisted brain-bile. Which brings us to 'Chinese Tale' by Birmingham's Devilman. A psychedelic urban gem, or the ramblings of someone who has something very wrong with their mind? You decide.

Chinese Tale


Words: Robin and Tom
from 3 Bar Fire

BOOM

Musical Biopics

So, like a man visiting a particularly punctual whore, 2007 went almost as soon as it came.

Unlike this fictional philanderer, however, the year also brought with it a slew of music biopics that consistently peppered our nation’s big screens. Control, Dreamgirls and I’m Not There (in which 6 different actors play out 6 different stages of Bob Dylan’s career) all had true-life musical stories at their respective cores, and, in recent years we’ve also seen Joaquin Phoenix aping Johnny Cash in Walk The Line and Jamie Foxx stumbling and mumbling his way to Oscar glory as Ray.

However, as the above list proves, it seems that film studios are afraid to gamble on anything other than the biggest musical names and the most interesting musical stories. So, with this in mind, Ruffhousing presents to you the musical biopics that should have been. And, technically, still could be.

RUNNING THE ROAD

BAFTA-winning softie, Richard Curtis, transfers his trademark dewy-eyed, moist-trousered writing style to the tumultuous etymology of the East London grime scene in this light-hearted urban rom-com. Dizzee (played by John Simm) is a streetwise youngster who dreams of fame and fortune as a superstar rapper. However, following a violent bust-up with his relentlessly po-faced mentor and friend, Wiley (Bill Nighy), Dizzee begins to question whether he has the strength to make it to the top on his own, and win over the girl of his dreams in the process. Co-starring Kristin Scott Thomas as Lady Sovereign and Clive Owen as Tinchy Stryder.

THE TOXIC TWINS

Ant and Dec star in this ill-advised children's feature depicting the Bacchanalian substance abuse and furious sexual exploits of Aerosmith rockers, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, in appallingly graphic detail.

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

Off-beat romantic comedy in which Alanis “Why The Long Face?” Morissette (played here by Janine Garofalo) spends an hour and a half wandering around continually pointing out things that are ironic, until, finally, she is beaten unconscious by a man who has just had his wedding day rained off.

CHECKIN’ IT OUT

Based largely (to the point of copyright infringement) on the Bob Dylan film, I’m Not There, Checkin’ It Out features 6 different British actors leading viewers through 6 different periods in the long and varied career of punk-pop midget, Lil’ Chris. Simon Callow and Colin Firth both shine as the foetus and toddler Chris respectively, but the most memorable turn by far comes courtesy of Helen Mirren, who brings Chris' turbulent puberty period to life with the help of a New Era hat and some truly grotesque prosthetics.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAREER?

Heart-pummelling rap/rock weep-a-thon starring Tony Slattery as ex-Limp Bizkit frontman and tubby Nu-Metal poster-boy, Fred Durst. The first twenty-five minutes of this feature are a thoroughly cheerful affair, featuring scenes involving Grammy Awards Ceremonies, playful camaraderie with DMX (Phil Jupitus) and casual sex with Britney Spears (Leslie Ash). However, viewers with young children should be warned that the later stages of the film - in which Durst's sudden realisation that his career is essentially over sends him spiralling downwards into a black pit of empty despair - contain scenes of explicit violence, incessant swearing and – finally - angry, bitter sobbing.

TOTALLY WIRED

Disney Pixar present a CGI animated romp through the hilarious and chaotic life of that lovable Mancunian sourpuss, Mark E Smith. Smith (voiced here by Kelsey Grammer) is a struggling young revolutionary trying to make his voice heard among the grit and squalor of the late 70s industrial North. However, a chance meeting with an amusingly highly-strung robot called 'Crackles', who is on his way to get his frazzled wiring fixed, leads him on a riotous – and heart-warming – journey of self-discovery. NB. Pixar have not stayed entirely true to Smith’s actual life story here.

THE DRUMMER FROM KEANE

Horrifically uneventful biopic based loosely on the life of the drummer from Keane.

JAMMIN'

Big budget, Hollywood-friendly re-telling of the life of reggae ambassador, Bob Marley. In order to appeal to the widest possible American audience, the Jamaican patois which Marley spoke has been altogether eliminated, the singer's passion for marijuana has been replaced by a love of very hot curries, and Bob himself is to be played by David Schwimmer; a white man with a sensible haircut.

GOLDIELOCKS AND THE 3 BEARS

Less biopic and more 'snuff' film, Goldielocks and the 3 Bears follows the real life kidnapping of pointless electro-bint, Goldielocks, as she is dragged screaming from her family home in the dead of night, marched blindly into a damp cavern and left to fend for herself in the company of three hunger-ravaged Canadian brown bears, whom her captors adamantly refuse to call off until she has signed a legally binding agreement promising never EVER to go near a microphone again.

HEY NIKKI!

Overtly camp and fantastically upbeat musical starring Martin Clunes and Nicholas Lyndhurst as the all-singing, all-dancing, South London grime lotharios, Nikki S and Nyke. Having met at a local Scouts group, the boys decide that music is the path for them, and consequently embark on a high-kicking cabaret of love, laughter and line-dancing, until, ultimately – via a series of humourous misunderstandings – they wind up in bed together. NB. Neither Nikki S nor Nyke have officially given their consent to this project.

Troublesome

The Birth of NWA

Gangsta Rap is a murky business. One minute you’re driving a Cadillac full of prostitutes to a local jewellers, the next you’re being pummelled frantically by a convicted felon. But how did this sub-genre originate? We all know the rumours, the myths and (thanks to Wikipedia) the actual truth, but now, for the first time ever, Ruffhousing is proud to unearth the 1985 correspondence between Andre ‘Dr Dre’ Young and Eric ‘Eazy E’ Wright that lead to the birth of N.W.A. and, ultimately, the international explosion of Gangsta Rap music:

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Dear Eric,

Hope this letter finds you well. God, December is a brutal month; who was it that said “it is winter alone that reminds us of the human condition”? I think it may have been Ice T. As you will probably have noticed, this letter is unstamped. At present, I have little money for postage and thus decided to hand deliver it. As to why, upon arriving at your door, I did not just knock and speak to you directly: I cannot explain. The human mind is a mysterious thing.

Anyway, I’m contacting you regarding an original idea I’ve been harbouring for a while now. You see, Eric, I’m angry. Angry about loads of stuff: the police, bitches, the fact that I was christened Andre – a name which is associated predominantly with homosexual French men and wrestling giants. My idea is to form a rap group. ‘What’s original about that?!’, I hear you cry. I can literally hear you crying as I write this; you live three doors down and Dumbo is on television.

The original aspect is this: we will be a ‘Gangsta’ rap group. We will use rap music to project our anger, dissatisfaction and unhappiness with the modern world. We will combat social inequality; we will provide a voice for the disenfranchised urban youth; we will mention guns a lot. What I need to get this group off the ground, is someone with street credibility, record industry contacts and serious financial backing. Will you be that someone?

Please let me know what you think, Eric. I really believe this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

All the best,
Andre.

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Dear Andre,

Many thanks for your letter; it made for interesting reading. I myself cannot read but I asked an associate to read it aloud to me. I must say, however, that your opening comments regarding winter threw me a little, as it is currently June.

As you may or may not be aware, I recently set up a record label with a friend of mine, and – like yourself – we are both deeply angry men. Furthermore, we are both really quite well off. To back this statement up, I am enclosing a hundred dollar bill. Please send it back to me at this address when you are suitably convinced of my wealth.

I am very interested in your proposal, and I do indeed have the required credibility, contacts and finance (see enclosed bill). However, I truly believe that I could offer more to this project than just hard currency. I am enclosing with this letter a recent excerpt from my diary. I think you will agree that it shows not only a certain linguistic flair, but also a chasm-like emotional depth:

Friday June 13th 1985:
10.34am – Have just measured myself and found that I’ve grown 3 inches since Tuesday! Things are certainly looking up!
10.37am – Just realised that I was wearing heels. I have not grown an inch.
11.07am – Racked with paranoia about the heels. Have I had them on all morning and not noticed? Must be more careful in future.

On reflection, this excerpt was perhaps not the best example of my way with words (nor my overall state of mind), but I have already placed it into this unsealed envelope, so it’s essentially too late.

Please let me know what you think, Andre. I would be more than happy to provide you with substantial financial support, but I ask that – in addition to this - I be allowed to contribute my lyrics/voice to the records you produce.

Yours, as ever,

Eric.

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Eric,

As you will probably have noticed, I am sending this letter via ‘Fax Machine’! What won’t those egg-heads think of next!

I was very interested in what you had to say in your last letter, and your diary entry certainly made for hilarious reading! I am pleased that you are willing to assist the group financially, but I assume (hope) that your request to contribute your “lyrics/voice” to the records was merely a funny joke. As you and I both know, you sound like one of the Chipmunks and have all the lyrical ability of a dyslexic creche.

Best regards,
Andre.

PS. If it’s alright with you, I will hold onto the hundred dollar bill for a little longer.

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Dear Andre,

Apologies for this late reply to your last note. In your haste to experiment with cutting edge technology by sending me a ‘fax’, you neglected to check whether I myself owned a fax machine. I don’t. It really has to be a two-way thing if it is work properly.

Having listened to you dictate said correspondence over the telephone last night, I cannot pretend I was not wounded somewhat by your assumption that my desire to write and perform raps was “merely a funny joke”. Far from it; I am deadly serious.

I must state again that my finanical contribution to your group comes hand-in-hand with my vocal contribution. There can be no discussion on this.

Yours,
E

PS. I would appreciate it greatly if you could return the hundred dollar bill as soon as possible. It is of significant emotional value to me.

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Eric,

Well, it appears we have hit something of a wall! You insist that you are an urban poet with a flair for language akin to Nabokov and a voice of thundering oak, and I (and most other people) insist you are a helium-voiced simpleton with a Jheri-Curl hairdo.

However, I must say that I respect the strength of character that you displayed in your last letter, and I think I may have a possible solution to our conundrum. I have a friend named O’Shea who has been writing rap lyrics for some time now under the alias ‘Ice Cube’. I have explained our situation to him and he is more than happy to give you the lyrics he produces that he doesn’t think are good enough to use himself. The ones that are just plain embarrassing. You know, the rubbish ones. No-one will be able to tell you are not the author of your own verses; O’Shea is a master of subtlety. I enclose here an example of a trial lyric he has written for you for a forthcoming song called ‘8 Ball’:

“Ice Cube writes the rhymes that I say/
Hail to the niggas from CIA”

The plan is bulletproof. We get the money and the label contacts; you get a portion of the spotlight and the chance to make your (oddly high) voice heard.

What do you say, Eric? I’m afraid that this has to be my final offer.

Warm regards,
Dre.

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Andre,

Today will go down in hip hop history as the dawning of a brand new era! I’m happy to say that I accept your offer. I just know you and I will be friends forever, with no need to ever fall out.

All my warmest wishes,

Eric.

PS. No worries about that hundred; what’s a few dollars between friends?!

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TROUBLE, I'M OUT.

Coping With Melancholia and Other Everyday Nuisances

In London you can estimate your black bile by remembering the last time you felt a cool breeze on your face. Straying along the cracked tiles of my front garden chilled my heart because the sensation of the frigid air felt eerily fresh. So I took a detour from my usual meander to the parade. I picked the last paper from my battered Rizla packet and stuck my headphones in my ears.

The first refuge is self medication. For Melancholia I prescribe rippling lithium, cheaper then intoxication and with less side effects. Music cuts cleaner then a scalpel and deeper then a drill. There is something synesthesiastic about it that goes without explanation because you just feel it.


“Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose,
Nothin’ ain’t worth nothin’ but it’s free,
Feeling good was easy while Bobby sung the blues,
Feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and Bobby Mcgee.”

Johnny Cash - Me and Bobby Mcgee

Other songs to roll and walk to:

Jelly Roll Morton - Pretty Baby (Tony Jackson Song from 1916 in the Congress Recordings)

James Brown - Lost Someone (Live in 1963 at the Apollo)

Sona Diabate - Nassannaba (Performed with Bembeya Jazz National)

Davy Graham & Shirley Collins - Hori-Hori

Nico - These Days

John Holt - Strange Things

MF Doom - Lemon Grass (Instrumental from Special Herbs Vol. 3-4)

Durer implies there is a thin line between inspiration and despair. Life is never as bad as it seems or as good as it ought to be. So I tend to teeter between the two.

Saturday

PS

Is Tom dead or passed out on a pile of porn?

3 BAR BASHMENT!!

Hello there,
Our friends over at 3barfire recently invited us to 'clash' them on their monthly radio show on Samurai FM. We come in about 20 minutes in -




The Tracklisting for the mix is:
11. DJ Illo Vs 50 Cent 'Ayo Technology' - CDR / Coki 'Torture' - Tempa
12. South Rakkas Crew Feat New Kids 'Get Mad Again' - Mad Decent
13. Siriusmo 'Wow' (Modeselektor Edit) - CDR
14. Thom Yorke 'Eraser' (Xxxchange Mix) - Xl
15. Metro Area 'Miura' (Re-Edit) - White
16. Hot Chip 'Shake A Fist' - EMI
17. Rodion 'Electric Soca' (Crookers Mix) - Gomma
18. Dave Nada 'Spell On You' - T&A
19. Kano 'I M Ready' - Metronome
20. Andy Caldwell 'Warrior' (Claude Von Stroke Mix) – Om
21. Ja Rule Feat Lil' Wayne 'Uh Oh' - CDR
22. Unknown 'This Is How I Roll' - CDR

If that wasn't enough we will also be at the 3barfire Xmas Party. This will be extra special as the entire extended ruffhousing family will be in attendance as:
Alma Douce aka Nivea Visage
Flava D aka The Garlic Gentlemen
Tom Troublesome aka Percee Weezly
and Reecha aka Colin Creevey

will be nicing up the dance. There is a projector so we'll probabaly be playing a mixture of 'National Lampoon's Xmas Vacation', 'Planes, Train and Automobiles' and 'Schindler's List' to get into the christmas spirit.