TOP 5: HORRIFIC REGGAE COVER VERSIONS

Personally, I love all reggae and I won't hear a bad word against it. However, having said that, a lot of it is shit and I hate it.

The main reason for this occasional hatred is the supreme unreliability of those pesky Rastas. Sure, they make some good tunes, but nine times out of ten - when they're not shouting at gays or shunning pork products - they're off making horrific cover versions. Here are the five worst:

1. Beres Hammond – Just Like A Woman (Bob Dylan)


We kick off with a track taken from the album 'Is It Rolling Bob?'; an ill-advised collection of reggae takes on popular Dylan songs. On ‘Just Like A Woman’, Beres Hammond transforms the beautiful, cottony feel of Bob's excellent original into what is essentially the sound of 2 for 1 Cocktail Evening on a cruise ship. A desperately poor and ludicrously cheesy effort.

2. Eek-A-Mouse – Georgie Porgie (Anon - Traditional Nursery Rhyme)


Eek-A-Mouse has been known to claim, “I eat with my gun, I sleep with my gun, I even clean my teeth with my gun”. However, this hardman act loses more than a little weight upon listening to the track above, on which the pinball-voiced 'singjay' regales us with the age-old anecdote about that feckless romantic, Georgie Porgie, and his failed attempts at seduction. What the hell is the Mouse doing here? He’s a master spinner of yarns involving the smuggling of ganja, the loving of virgin girls and, as you can see above, the use of firearms in preventing plaque. He’s not a fucking reggae version of Jack-a-nory. This is a messy stain on an otherwise perfectly spotless reputation.

3. Big Youth – It's Not Unusual (Tom Jones)


I wish I was friends with Big Youth. Not just because he's very tall and black, but also because I could have taken him aside before he went into the booth to record this version of 'It's Not Unusual' by boisterous Welsh audio sex-pest, Tom Jones. The conversation would have gone like this:

Me: Alright, Big Youth?
Big Youth: Yeah, I'm alright.
Me: You're looking very tall and black today.
BY: Cheers.
Me: What you up to now?
BY: Just going to record a song.
Me: Oh, wicked. Is it another groundbreaking, amp-shuddering dub classic?
BY: No, it's a deeply average version of 'It's Not Unusual' by boisterous Welsh audio sex-pest, Tom Jones.
Me: That's a bad idea, Big Youth.
BY: Is it?
Me: Yes. Go and record another groundbreaking, amp-shuddering dub classic.
BY: OK. Thanks for the advice, Tim.
Me: It's Tom.
BY: Whatever.

4. Anthony Cruz – Stay Awake (Aerosmith – I Don't Want To Miss A Thing)


Hopefully you won't have heard of Anthony Cruz. If you haven't, then well done. If you have, please go immediately to the nearest live land mine and give it a good, hard kick. Really boot it. With your toe, not the side of your foot. Really punt it. Go on, give it a proper kicking; don't be shy. You weren't shy at HMV when you bought this piece of shit record, were you, you musically-castrated cunt? There are deaf people in this world who would do anything for a pair of working ears, and you use yours to listen to a talentless Jamaican man with a vocoder covering flaccid stadium rock power ballads.

Anyway, I own this song. As you might have guessed, it's not very good. Candy-floss synths and Rice Krispie crackle-drums emulate Aerosmith's weepy, windswept anthem while Cruz wanks along half-heartedly on the vocal. Dreadful.

5. Yellowman – We Wish You A Reggae Christmas (Anon – Bastardized Christmas Carol)


Well, what more ear-gougingly horrendous way to end this list than with the decade-long winner of the 'Jamaica's Oddest-Looking Man' Competition: Yellowman. This song is his chirpy, reggae take on the popular Yuletide staple, 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'. This song features the chorus line, “we wish you a reggae Christmas, and a reggae New Year”. This song would reduce even the blackest-hearted, coldest-blooded criminal warlord to a shrieking, sobbing heap of shredded Kleenex. This song should be the stock component in the rucksack of any international terrorist or perverted sado-masochist. This song should be pumped into the ears of convicted murderers and rapists twenty-four hours a day. This song should be Guantanamo Bay's theme tune.

On the plus side, Yellowman does namecheck a lot of excellent reggae singers (Sizzla, Anthony B etc) and tell them, inexplicably, that they’re “welcome”. “Welcome” to what, we can’t be sure. Possibly to appearing on the single worst reggae song of all time.

DUN KNOW THE BLOGSPOT

Tommy Troublesome