day in the dizzle

STUMPY D'S DIARY: OCTOBER 16 2006

4.55am Awake early after bad dreams. Usual Foskett stuff but capped by final one where I am trapped under the udder of a large cow. Suckling. Relieved to find sheets dry; perhaps the bad thing is slowly disappearing.

6.32am Jolted out of watery sleep by more horrific nightmares. Still under the udder but not suckling. Queue is too long.

7.14am Laundrette with sheets.

8.31am Phone call from Mum. My first for weeks. She sounds worried after I confess thoughts of suicide, but seems more concerned with talking about Sheila from the pool who is pregnant at 51. i mime shock and feign interest but i am more engrossed with my own problems. buy milk for ricicles but cow dream is still fresh in my mind; have half a grapefruit instead.

9.00am Quick cry.

10.10am Phone call from Boonsie. Westwood interview has been pushed back to 10pm tonight. I ask what he is doing up so early and he confesses smugly that he hasn't been bed. he claims to have been up all night with a 22 year old Swedish girl, but seems to have forgotten that 3g is video phone and i can quite clearly see a naked, semi-aroused man massaging his back.

12.00am Lunch alone at Pizza Hut. Use vouchers; 30% off ice cream factory.

12.34am Have just measured myself and am delighted to find that I have grown three inches since Tuesday! Maybe things are looking up for the Dizzle!

12.37am Have just realised i was wearing heels. i have not grown an inch.

12.38am Racked with paranoia about the heels. Have i had them on all day and not noticed? must be more careful in future.

1.45pm Soundclash. i feel as if i am losing my feel for these things. three out five soundboys murked and seven riddims pulled up, though. not bad going i suppose. plus i rained a fair amount of fire pon babylon before leaving.

2.50pm Outside Wayne Foskett's house; in the rose bed. I wished he hadn't cut back the rhodedenrum - it was far comfier. watch him for a while before finally getting up the confidence to make a threatening phone call. lose my nerve when he answers and ask if John is there. fate deals me another in a long line of blows to the face as it turns out Wayne's dad is called John. He gets him and i am forced to listen to a forty five minute anecdote about the time John spent in 1971 with a venetian prostitute called Marta. he never once asks who i am or why i am calling. end up arranging to meet him for a drink later; it is the only way i can get him off the phone.

4.21pm At the studio. Wil E Coyote, Lego Man and Dooza want me to trow down 16 on their new riddim 'Molest Dem'. Coyote is strangely subdued and I find out from Lee, the sound engineer, that he has been charged for possession of and intent to sell class A drugs. This is really worrying, as the sentence can be up to Fourteen years. as we are all leaving, coyote asks me to hold onto a large bag of flour that he has brought with him; i accept obviously - he is a great mate.

4.23pm Coyote, the idiot, leaves without remebering to get the flour off me! what an idiot! i call him and tell him, but he says i can hang onto it for a while if i like. what do i want with a bag of flour?

6.29pm Measure myself. still no growth. anywhere. if you know what i mean.

6.31pm I meant my genitals.

9.01pm Back home after drink in the Dog & Duck pub with John Foskett. He's actually not that bad a guy. it bewilders me how his son turned out to be the anti-christ.

9.31pm After a quick cry, Boonsie picks me up to go to Radio 1 off Great Portland Street. Meet Moira Stewart on the way in and get her autograph. I ask her if she is here often for BBC news but it turns out that she has come in to throw down a quick freestyle for westwood.

10.59pm Boonsie, Westwood and I head to a local curry house to wind down after the interview. it went fairly well, except Boonsie - who is older than he looks - kept getting faulklands flashbacks due to Westwood's constant bomb sfx. i have lamb bhuna, boonise has prawn korma and westwood has egg and chips. he claims he "can't stand these foreign bastards and their odd food".

12.03am Prison. Returned home to find armed police raiding my house and taking photos of my heels. Coyote, whose favourite star wars character is Lando Calrissian, is there too, having tipped øff the boy dem. I am still not quite sure with what i am being charged but the flour is gone and so are my sheets.

12.05am Just remembered, sheets are at laundrette. Have to pick them up tomorrow.

For more on Stumpy D, check www.myspace.com/stumpydizzle ya bumba bludclat