You'll have to excuse my friend, he has Tourette's

Ever since Pete from Big Brother invented the condition known as Tourette's syndrome in 2006 it’s been everywhere – kids spontaneously shout ‘WANKER!!!’ at me in the streets all the time. Hell, what’s wrong with rocking a Dashiki and a Jeri curl in ’07?

That Pete gay is a bit like Alexander Graham Bell though – neither of them invented the telephone and neither of them invented Tourette’s. No, Tourette’s was actually was actually invented by some Scottish bloke in the Seventies. Little is known of the man, apart from the fact that he could be rather inappropriately rude and embarrassing to be around…

Tourette’s is in fact now so cool that it has become ‘urban’. Hip hop, Grime and RnB artists all over the world seem to have developed their own individual ‘ticks’. RnB seems to have been hit by a rather worrying tick of pandemic levels with almost every artists of the genre yelping the word ‘baby’ involuntarily whenever they open their silly formulaic little mouths (I am not an angry man).

It’s the Tourette’s in the other ‘urban’ (what an awful word used by wankers – maybe those kids had a point) realms that are far more interesting. With this in mind here’s a few of the more notable artists and their ticks –



Flavor Flav (Public Enemy)

Good old Flavor eh? Not only was he a true innovator in the world of hip hop, jeweller and being a crack head, he was also the first hip hop artist to suffer from Tourette’s. Flavor’s tick, ‘Yeeeeaahh Boyeeeee!!’ can be heard all over Public enemy’s records and became a truly synonymous with the PE sound.

One unfortunate outburst of his famous tick got him in quite a sticky situation whilst trekking through Bed Stuy back in the day - Flav bawled passed a couple of thugs sounding out a confused young male for being a homosexual, and asking the question, ‘So, you like girls or boys? Punk ass faggot’, Flav had to 01* rather sharpish when he inadvertently answered for the young puff.

* 01 is short for 0121, which means ‘do one’ for all you none Brum heads



Scratchy (Roll Deep)

Roll Deep’s white boy and possibly best mc is also a prime example of a Tourette’s sufferer. Scratchy’s tick is his trade mark warrior call. This derives from his little known Native American or Original People’s roots. Although he likes to try and keep it under his ponytail, Scratchy is actually a direct descendent of Big Chief Rapid Chat of the Sioux Indians. It is well documented that Rapid Chat had a tick of his very own. Famous American historian Clayton Deathroll said this of him, ‘The first time I met Big Chief Rapid Chat he screamed ‘Eski!!’ and then violently sodomized me’.



Timbaland

All time super producer and unfathomable idiot (why give everybody else actually songs and just fill your album with party and bullshit?) has laced a damn high percentage of his tracks with his gibberish, turntable Tourette’s. His incessant ‘freaky, freaky’ in a mock scratch style becomes quite hilarious when noticed. He seriously drops it all too frequently for it to be a ‘hooky’ part of his production sound – the boy has Tourette’s! Or maybe he just feels freaky all the time. Either way the man is clearly unwell.



Jadakiss

Supposed ‘real’ MC, Jadakiss (get some beats fool), tries hard to disguise his tick but it’s still easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for. Why would a grown ass man do a weird coughy, laughy, choking nose on half of his tracks? Because the bloke clearly has Tourette's. In fact I can’t even be arsed to write about him because it might not actually be Tourette’s – he might just be a nob…



On that not I think I’ll say, ‘Piss Off!’ But do try and spot your own CUNTS! suffering from Tourette’s Syndrome, they’re FUCKING! everywhere…



Samuel

ADIEU

JA RULE IS BACK!

No I'm being serious. I never thought i would say this but it appears Ja Rule has gone and made probabaly the best rap track of the summer. Somehow he managed to find time away from his busy schedule campaigning for Mayor of New Jersey to hook up with everyones favourite adoptee (and possibily the only rapper smaller than Ja himself) Lil' Wayne ('Lil' get it?).
Seriously if you can listen to this and not screwface you have no soul.




Controversially enough, apparently the two got arrested the other day in America - i d like to think that the arrests had something to do with them doing a pa of the track and then going berzerk and mass murdering the entire crowd - however it is much more likely it was the usual hip hop thing of ganbanging a 14yr old puerto rican girl named Cha Cha.

If you would like to know more about the impending sexual assault charges that may or may not be falling upon Ja (or any other rapper for that matter) then head on over to our bestest friend in the whole wide world 3 Bar Fire where you can also read lots of other music news as well as the odd post from ruffhousing.



BOOM BAM

The Greatest Publication of All Time

Every once in a while, a publication emerges that changes the way we think. The New Statesman; Private Eye; Shoot! Magazine: these titles make us laugh, cry and ponder the mysteries of life with renewed vigour. Last Thursday, I happened upon the most recent addition to this list of genre-busting, mirth-making, world-altering magazines, and I feel it is only right to share it with you now.

The publication is called Maxx Paxx and the first thing you will notice when you read it, is that it's very difficult to tell what the point of it actually is. Just a quick glance through most news-stand titles lets you in on precisely who they are aimed at and exactly what their content will be: Heat is for gals who love to shop and gossip; Nuts is for lads who are worried they will die alone; and Grazia is for Orthodox Hassidic Jews. Simple. However, Maxx Paxx quite clearly has no interest at all in this sales-friendly media pigeon-holing and has decided to tuck any possible explanation for its existence under a thick stream of technicolour advertising and incoherent babble.


However, while the magazine may be without any kind of raison d'etre, it comes equipped with strong and controversial opinions. Let's take their review of recent blockbuster-satirising blockbuster, Epic Movie, as an example. Now, I haven't seen Epic Movie, but every write-up I've encountered has been thoroughly unfavourable: Empire calls it “a disaster of epic proportions”, Sight & Sound says, “Epic Movie lacks energy, continuity and wit, certainly, but also, crucially, affection and intelligence”, while Total Film simply pleads, “Please. Make it. Stop”.

Maxx Paxx claims, “You will be laughing your head off with this hillarious movie. It is a collection of comical re inactments of all latest films. From Charlie and the chocolate factory to Borat. You will be in stitches”.

Most people thought Epic Movie was rubbish. Most people spell 'hilarious' with one 'L'. Maxx Paxx is NOT most people.


The most fascinating, informative and downright entertaining section of Maxx Paxx, however, is a column that appears within the first 10 pages, called WHAT'S HOT with Chuckie (pictured above). Chuckie himself – a living, breathing answer to the age-old question, “what would happen if you stuck a Hitler moustache on an aquatic rodent and let them raid Kanye West's wardrobe?” - is a master of the kind of stream-of-conciousness prose made famous by authors such as William Faulkner. While most other writers are required to perform editions, cuts and even a basic spellcheck, Chuckie has no need for these superfluous niceties, and prefers instead to vomit his thoughts straight onto the page, untouched and unblemished.

Chuckie's predominant subject matter for this issue is the 'Non Smoking Ban'. We can only assume that Chuckie is actually referring to the 'Smoking Ban', as a 'Non Smoking Ban' would mean a ban on NOT SMOKING, and thus, legally, EVERYONE would have to smoke in public places from July 1st. Anyway, Chuckie is over the moon at the fact that Britain has gone smoke-free. It is, to quote the man himself, like “Christmas all over again!”. Why? Chuckie breaks it down simply:


"Intimacy – So you've linked up with a new girl/man, bring them back to the crib for wining and dining and they decide to have a 'smoke!'"

Leaving aside the question of why 'smoke!' is in quotation marks and is accompanied by an exclamation, let's deal with the first part of this sentence. 'So you've linked up with a new girl/man'. Now, you could read this in two ways:

1.Chuckie is trying to appeal to both male and female readers and therefore gives both sexes their viable options.
2.Chuckie regularly seduces transsexuals.

I don't know about you, but I am inclined to read it in the context of the second option, and I'm fairly confident that this is the way Chuckie intended it. Anyway, let's read on:

"They look to start kissing and their mouth smells like a mixture of arse and stuff! It's off putting and puts the non smoker in a mad situation."

Chuckie, if you're reading this, there's something you should know. If someone's mouth smells like 'arse and stuff', it probably isn't because they've just had a cigarette. If anything, they probably had the cigarette to try and disguise the fact that their mouth smells like an arse. Essentially, Chuckie is kissing a transsexual who regularly performs rim jobs. Of course it's a 'mad situation'. Chuckie has tasted bum. And he's furious. His point well made, he finishes in style:

"Hopefully the smoking ban will keep people more fresh and sexy. I hope I've played with your conscience."

I don't know why Maxx Paxx exists, I don't know who it is aimed at and I just googled it and all that came up was hardcore porn and batteries. Try it for yourself. However, if you ever see it about, make sure you pick it up. It makes for unbelievable reading. I truly, truly hope I've played with your conscience.

Thomas Trouble

Crunk Interview

Arguments. We've all had them. One minute you're the best of pals, the next, you're gently knocking your supposed mate about with a tyre iron. Luckily for hip hop artists, they can settle arguments a different way; musically. In this exclusive interview with rising Crunk star, Gillie Da Kid, Behind The Scenes gets to the bottom of 'beef'.

Check www.ruffhousing.podomatic.com to hear it.

Stop Your Business

we don't want a war. we only want a peace.

5 Songs I’d Rather Listen to then bother fixing my fucked up draft blog

Transforming procrastination into a situation similar to a career, I am now listing a series of songs I would rather waste my time with then do anything productive. I am not saying that listening to music is not productive. I am just saying that I am only doing it to prevent myself doing anything more constructive.

Devo – Uglatto (Hardcore Devo Vol. 1 74-77)

Probably because Devo mention Esperanto in it and that means it makes me happy.




James Brown – Think (Live at the Apollo 1962)

It reminds me of how good it feels to be a bad boy sometimes.



Wu-Tang Clan – Ice Cream (Live at XM Radio with El Michels Affair)

“gimme your number
Your sexy persuasive ta-ta's and thighs
Catch my eyes like highs, I want your bodily surprise
Double dime some time, Ice Cream you got me fallin out
like a cripple, I love you like I love my dick size
ooh baby I miss you, your sweet tender touches
take pulls off the dutches, orgasm in my mindstate
masterbate in your clutches, I want you for self
like wealth, so play me closely”




Brentford All Star – Greedy G (Soul Jazz Records Presents 100% Dynamite; Ska, Soul, Rocksteady & Funk in Jamaica)

There has never been a simpler tune that has given me more pleasure then this one.



The Fall – In My Area (Dragnet)

When ever I listen to this song it always reminds me how the public urinals down the road where turned into and Italian deli. So now where all the punks stuffed junk Pounces now sip big slick.