Every once in a while, a publication emerges that changes the way we think. The New Statesman; Private Eye; Shoot! Magazine: these titles make us laugh, cry and ponder the mysteries of life with renewed vigour. Last Thursday, I happened upon the most recent addition to this list of genre-busting, mirth-making, world-altering magazines, and I feel it is only right to share it with you now.
The publication is called Maxx Paxx and the first thing you will notice when you read it, is that it's very difficult to tell what the point of it actually is. Just a quick glance through most news-stand titles lets you in on precisely who they are aimed at and exactly what their content will be: Heat is for gals who love to shop and gossip; Nuts is for lads who are worried they will die alone; and Grazia is for Orthodox Hassidic Jews. Simple. However, Maxx Paxx quite clearly has no interest at all in this sales-friendly media pigeon-holing and has decided to tuck any possible explanation for its existence under a thick stream of technicolour advertising and incoherent babble.
However, while the magazine may be without any kind of raison d'etre, it comes equipped with strong and controversial opinions. Let's take their review of recent blockbuster-satirising blockbuster, Epic Movie, as an example. Now, I haven't seen Epic Movie, but every write-up I've encountered has been thoroughly unfavourable: Empire calls it “a disaster of epic proportions”, Sight & Sound says, “Epic Movie lacks energy, continuity and wit, certainly, but also, crucially, affection and intelligence”, while Total Film simply pleads, “Please. Make it. Stop”.
Maxx Paxx claims, “You will be laughing your head off with this hillarious movie. It is a collection of comical re inactments of all latest films. From Charlie and the chocolate factory to Borat. You will be in stitches”.
Most people thought Epic Movie was rubbish. Most people spell 'hilarious' with one 'L'. Maxx Paxx is NOT most people.
The most fascinating, informative and downright entertaining section of Maxx Paxx, however, is a column that appears within the first 10 pages, called WHAT'S HOT with Chuckie (pictured above). Chuckie himself – a living, breathing answer to the age-old question, “what would happen if you stuck a Hitler moustache on an aquatic rodent and let them raid Kanye West's wardrobe?” - is a master of the kind of stream-of-conciousness prose made famous by authors such as William Faulkner. While most other writers are required to perform editions, cuts and even a basic spellcheck, Chuckie has no need for these superfluous niceties, and prefers instead to vomit his thoughts straight onto the page, untouched and unblemished.
Chuckie's predominant subject matter for this issue is the 'Non Smoking Ban'. We can only assume that Chuckie is actually referring to the 'Smoking Ban', as a 'Non Smoking Ban' would mean a ban on NOT SMOKING, and thus, legally, EVERYONE would have to smoke in public places from July 1st. Anyway, Chuckie is over the moon at the fact that Britain has gone smoke-free. It is, to quote the man himself, like “Christmas all over again!”. Why? Chuckie breaks it down simply:
"Intimacy – So you've linked up with a new girl/man, bring them back to the crib for wining and dining and they decide to have a 'smoke!'"
Leaving aside the question of why 'smoke!' is in quotation marks and is accompanied by an exclamation, let's deal with the first part of this sentence. 'So you've linked up with a new girl/man'. Now, you could read this in two ways:
1.Chuckie is trying to appeal to both male and female readers and therefore gives both sexes their viable options.
2.Chuckie regularly seduces transsexuals.
I don't know about you, but I am inclined to read it in the context of the second option, and I'm fairly confident that this is the way Chuckie intended it. Anyway, let's read on:
"They look to start kissing and their mouth smells like a mixture of arse and stuff! It's off putting and puts the non smoker in a mad situation."
Chuckie, if you're reading this, there's something you should know. If someone's mouth smells like 'arse and stuff', it probably isn't because they've just had a cigarette. If anything, they probably had the cigarette to try and disguise the fact that their mouth smells like an arse. Essentially, Chuckie is kissing a transsexual who regularly performs rim jobs. Of course it's a 'mad situation'. Chuckie has tasted bum. And he's furious. His point well made, he finishes in style:
"Hopefully the smoking ban will keep people more fresh and sexy. I hope I've played with your conscience."
I don't know why Maxx Paxx exists, I don't know who it is aimed at and I just googled it and all that came up was hardcore porn and batteries. Try it for yourself. However, if you ever see it about, make sure you pick it up. It makes for unbelievable reading. I truly, truly hope I've played with your conscience.
Thomas Trouble
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