If you go down to the woods today...

I'd like to tell you a story. It's a true story, and it all happened to me two days ago - 25/06/08. I shall begin at the end, as it seems as good a place as any, and then tell you how I ended up there...

From the hours of 2pm til just before 4pm yesterday I was sat in Windsor Police Station making an official statement. The following is the story of that statement.

Just to set the scene I need to tell you that I'm currently living in Berkshire doing a masters. My final project is on dead and ancient trees in Windsor Great Park, so I spend most days either in open parkland or woodland.

Anyway, I was sitting down on a log minding my own business and recording some tree measurements. I then noticed a man walking passed and thought nothing of it. I carried on writing until a few minutues later when I noticed the same bloke walking in the same direction, had a closer look and realised he was topless. Now this aroused by suspicions and I arose from by log to see what the cunt was up to. And then it all became clear...He was STARK BOLLOCK NAKED AND MASTURBATING as he walked along! I had no idea what to do at first, I was simply outraged! I knew there was a bit of a dodgy car park nearby but did not expect THIS! I didn't know what to do as first - start shouting and attack him? Do one on the quick tip? I quickly decided on the latter option as I thought there could have been more of the dirty bastards in the area, and didn't really want to be in the vicinity of a gang of horny homos.

I quickly gathered my things and did one towards the main road sharpish calling the police on the way, as this was area that I had previously seen families, horseriders and lone female joggers. Within 10 mins I was back at the car park and the police had already shown up with a dog team. So me, a big skinhead police man and a massive Alastian went hunting a homo in the Great Park. We retraced my steps and sure enough found the perv were I'd last seen him. However, this time there was another bummer floating around and homoing in on him. This secondary cottager was swiftly told to do one by the police officer as he and the dog ran at the still naked nonce whilst reading him his rights.

I didn't want to get to close but the police man told me that as he got closer the bloke was struggling to get his shorts back on and had sticking nettle marks all over his genitals and groin. Anyway, the rather unlikely troop of me, the police man, the dog and the nonce traipsed back to the cars where more police were waiting to cart him off. Upon sighting him one of the waiting police stubbed out his cigarette, snap on the floor and snarled, 'Dirty fucking cunt!'

I was then that the filthy bumlord came out with the clincher - 'But I've got to pick my kid up from school' !!!!! He was assured this would be take care of and then carted off, while I head into Windsor to make my statement.

And here we are at the end of what was a strange afternoon for me. It may all end in court in a couple of weeks as I was informed yesterday that he had been charged.

OUT